How I Work
"Through caring for certain others, by serving them through caring, man lives the meaning of his own life. In the sense in which a man can ever be said to be at home in the world, he is at home not through dominating, or explaining,or appreciating, but through caring and being cared for."
Milton Mayeroff. Quoted in John Bradshaw. Reclaiming Virtue.
People enter counselling for many different reasons: because in some way they feel that their life is not working for them; because they feel critical of themselves; or because they might have been experiencing the stresses caused by the break-up of a relationship, and have decided that they want to find out more about themselves. Frequently they may be out of contact with their feelings. Often this separation from feelings manifests itself through being out of contact with their bodies, in that they are not able to care for themselves fully, and are perhaps doing things that are harmful to themselves. They may be locked in self defeating patterns both in relationships and their behaviour . as a result they are leading stressful lives which are unfulfilling and frustrating.
For me the work of counselling is one way of getting in touch with the inner world of feelings and emotions, and by acquiring skills which lead to a more creative and life- enhancing experience.
Without concern for feelings counselling may become merely a philosophical interchange of ideas. Without leaning how to deal with feelings, the client is left with no way of reconnecting with the body. Precious creative energy is locked up in repressed, denied or projected feelings and as a result we are impoverished.
I see counselling as a strengthening and learning process, which enables us to deal creatively with our reactions. It can lead us into a position where we can have a nourishing and informative relationship with our feelings by becoming aware of how much of our reactions are coloured by our expectations of injury or abandonment - weather irrational or realistic - and realising how as adults we have the opportunity to do something about our reactions.
For some people, what may originally have been a survival strategy in childhood, may now be holding them back as adults. They come into counselling locked into behaviour patterns of blame, confusion, anger and resentfulness, but remain alienated from their feelings. Much behaviour may have originated as a coat of armour against the vulnerability of childhood. It is this coat of armour that may now have become a prison. We reach a point where we are unable to access our feelings and creativity. This often leads to experiences of inner poverty, manifesting itself as isolation, emptiness and loss of contact with our centre. The survival strategies of blame and rage become self poisoning, or toxic. It is the process of detoxification that is the essence of counselling.
The tools that I use in my counselling practice draw from psycho dynamics and cognitive but I believe that the three pillar model for feelings which I use as a key tool ,although derived from a cognitive approach. is a skeleton that is common to many forms of counselling, and meditation., it comprises of three stages.
- Locate and experiencing the feelings.
- Naming those feelings.
- Learning what to do with the feelings.
In the cognitive style of working the counsellor forms an alliance with the adult parts of the client so that the client can become aware of his less mature or developed parts, and reactions. Collaboration requires a degree of trust and intimacy, yet for many this is something that has been lacking in their lives, however much wanted or needed. Sometimes the client behaves as if the counsellor is part of a world that is difficult, threatening and disappointing. Therefore, trusting the counsellor can be seen as potentially dangerous, exposes the client to painful feelings of fear and vulnerability. It is therefore important that there is an understanding and a lowering of these defensive barriers between counsellor and client.
Empathic rapport, which is the sine qua non of counselling evolves and deepens as feelings are identified, shared and experienced. The client feels more understood and can work more in partnership with the counsellor.
At first the counsellor, by listening, seems to hold the counselling 'space' together, in a general atmosphere of non-judgmental openness, and acceptance; thereby exemplifying and modelling the capacity of patience, compassion and strength that comes with this new way of relating to the inner world. The counsellor in the early stages helps the client with the naming of feelings
It is important for the client to begin to connect the feelings with its appropriate name, so that he can own his feelings, and begin to understand, connect and recognise them.- Moving from reaction (hurt child) to adult, (thinking and naming)
In some ways the counsellor's role in this naming process is as a
representation of the adult capacities that the patient is trying to develop and from which he may believe that he has become estranged, but with which he desperately wants to re-engage. Learning to name also reinforces the adult capacity or ego strength which is vital for the client to develop in order to feel safe enough to allow real contact with feelings.
I see the relationship between client and therapist as a research laboratory. Many of the client's problems concern relationships, and to some extent they re-enact styles of behaviour and projections within the therapeutic relationship. I see this as an opportunity to observe and identify styles of defensive behaviour as they occur, in the room - the here and now. During the process of counselling this behaviour gets named, and thought about. Sometimes particularly in longer term work, it is necessary to think about the history and origins of these feelings, looking at strategies in the family, feelings and fantasies that arose in childhood, and the irrational beliefs that are buried deep inside, and to explore these in terms of Core Issues (Whitfield 1993 see footnote). But by naming the behaviour as it is observed in the here and now between us , often precipitates a powerful linking between feelings, behaviour and cognition.
While feelings may begin as differing perceptions in the mind of client and counsellor, as the relationship evolves the "intimacy of therapy" is the emotional and cognitive fitting together of two experiences into a new union of congruency.
The goals of therapy get defined, refined and re-negotiated throughout the process of therapy, and are determined by the needs of the client, and his motivation and capacity for change.
The counsellor is helping the client with the Three Steps which lead to greater integration and insight. It is only from a position of insight that real change can be sustained. Insight seems rarely to be defined in counselling literature. I would define it as the awareness that your own suffering is caused by your own reactions and that in order to make your life less painful you have to change the manner in which you act and the response to your feelings.
Mature adult life is developed as a continual process of refining and reshaping these three steps.Hence you can be informed by, rather than controlled by your feelings and the inner world.
Core issues (listed in Charles Whitfield, Boundaries and Relationships, Health Communications. 1993)
Fear of abandonment, low self esteem, control, trust, being real, feelings of dependence, grieving our ungrieved losses, all or nothing thinking and behaving, high tolerance for inappropriate behaviour, over responsibility for others, neglecting our needs, difficulty resolving conflict, difficulty giving love and difficulty receiving love.